Off The Walt

A local recruiter put a test job post on a national job board and although it was a test post, I thought I’d have a bit of fun. The title of the test post was “King of Mars” and the text of the body illustrated the test post and not to apply, but a nerd with free time can be a terrible thing!

I think I’d be a really great King of Mars, but I’m a bit apprehensive what with the oxygen shortage there. I understand that Kuato is leading the rebels in fighting the megacorps there, trying to maintain a steady stream of oxygen for all.

I also think the arrival gate at the spaceport needs to have better security… this woman kept going on about her being here for 2 weeks as I was leaving the last time I was there, it was really weird, then the whole place eploded just after I passed the blast doors! Crazy! We’d need to improve the reliability and training of the guards there like really quick, perhaps cross-education with Fort Lauderdale’s TSA would be the solution.

I would need my own personal supply of oxygen up there in my spire high above the red landscape. I’d need to make sure it had a little spaceship to launch me out into space toward Earth should an uprising occur. This part would be non-negotiable. I’d also like 7 (it’s a cool prime number) Fembots, but I’m willing to negotiate the number as I know resources are constrained lately and space (even cargo) is limited on freighters as of late.

If the position is open or as an alternate to the position for which I’m applying, I’d like to nominate my cousin, Barry, for Queen of Mars. Barry tears it up a couple nights a week in South Beach. I don’t know know what he means when he tells me he’s a queen, but he walks really weird and I’ve seen movies where the queens walk weird, so I think he’d be a good choice. He’s very moody and has a great collection of makeup and accessories, just in case a bunch of women want to look pretty! What a thoughtful guy!

As for a Court Jester, there’s a really tall guy I see on the Earth news channels every once in a while carrying a dialisys machine and walking around the desert with a bunch of guys and they are constantly praising a Balla’. It’s weird, my brother talks about Balla’s all the time; he especially likes Tu Pac and Eminem. Are they Ballas? I also think he sneaks in time listening to R. Kelly, but we’ll discuss that another time, I think he’s got an appointment with Dr. Phil for that one.

It seems a trend to have a ‘first animal,’ so I’d like a T-Rex. John Hammond owned a couple islands in the Pacific if I remember correctly and he grew them. We’d avoid the raptors, they were a bit too aggressive for my tastes. There would have to be a royal decree made immediately upon my taking the job that people could not tell said pet that they love him or he loves them and none of that nonsense about a happy family. I’m just letting you know all this now, so it’s not a surprise later on.

I suppose a scheme to conquer Earth would be inevitable, so at that point, I’d need to upgrade my job title from “King of Mars” to “Emperor.” It seems like the thing to do to wear a black cloak and walk around speaking in a raspy voice. I think this is something I could accomplish in time, but I’d have to practice. Are there training programs in place to assist me in said training? While the king is expected to have a great army, I think I’ll have to make all my troops wear white plastic armor. It’d have to be resistant to the red sand/clay of the surface, otherwise they’d all be pink and it’d seem like my cousin Barry was running the army. On a related note, he did say the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy in American armies was intriguing. I’ll have to ask him about that. We’ll need to make sure the armor offers a good field of vision as other instances of said armor have had limited success in other galaxies far, far away where the troops constantly bump into things. We need to think smart from the start to ensure the medical supplies aren’t used up too quickly. Medical consumables will likely be in limited supply when the siege of Earth begins and I can’t be giving asprin to every foot soldier that has a headache because he kept bumping into walls and low-hanging entrances.

While it’s on my mind, the first peasants that claim they didn’t vote for me must be put down immediately. We can’t have a rebellion on our hands.

If you’re considering me for the above named position, I can provide references stating my ability to act with dignity in high-pressure situations and delegate work to underlings. Thank you and have a great day.

Walt Snider

Let’s see if I get hired!

Edit: I didn’t get the job.